How to Lose a Guy in 10 days… or less…

It is 1am or thereabouts and once again the inspiration has been found to write stuff again. COVID-19 isolation seems to bring the inspired writer out in me.

I have a love/hate relationship with one of the things that I worked on changing about myself many years ago, and that is caring about others.

With this, is also the anxiety of whether people genuinely care about me. Over the years I’ve had people who I thought were friends, leave my life, and people who I thought wanted to be with me, also leave.

I’ve never really been that great at making friends. Over the past year for whatever reason, I’ve been far better at it than usual, but I feel it difficult to approach people, to open up and talk to them.

Once I’ve crossed that barrier, sometimes I feel like I need to initiate. Never hear from some people otherwise.

Anxiety has always been a part of my life, but when it comes to friendships and relationships, it has always been the most difficult to deal with.

in the past few years I’ve dated a number of people, always looked forward to it, but always had the feeling in the back of my head that my own anxiety would destroy it.

The anxiety of whether or not they liked me, whether they enjoyed themselves, whether they genuinely wanted to see me again.

So I’ll keep asking, or trying to get hints from them, which in turn annoys them. Which in turn, makes them lose interest.

The vicious cycle continues.

Anxiety is a wonderful thing. Conspiracy theories you create about yourself.

These days I don’t tend to ask people out, unless I have some genuine interest in the person. I know I don’t have control over my anxiety right now. I genuinely wish I had that level of control.

It is something I’d love to find advice on, another piece of myself I’d like to deal with and change.

I think I’m a nice guy, well, I hope so. I hope I’m worth someone’s time.